Hello amazing people,
so today I am going to be a little vulnerable with you all. I have been trying to become more intimate with the Lord lately. I have been reading, having praise and worship, and quiet time with Him. I have asked for the Holy Spirit and even though I can feel His presence it always seems a bit distant. I have been told pray more, fast more, worship Him more and I have been doing that. I’m sure He appreciates the effort but something is still missing. It’s like when you’re cooking and it tastes good but it needs a little something extra to make it amazing. So I have been trying to figure out what it is. I have been asked, “Is your heart in it?”. Well DUH, morning, noon, night, and even the midnight hour I seek His face. I hear “are you waiting.” I do have an issue with being impatient but I think I have been working on it with this seeking thing I’m doing with the Lord. I mean I am only doing what the scripture says.
Isaiah 55:6 NET
“Seek the Lord while He may be found;Call on Him while He is near
Still only a sliver of the relationship I am trying to build is there. I know He hears me because prayers are being answered, but I want more. Then it hit me, I was told to let go. I gave all of my cares to Him. I stay close because I am scared to lose His presence. I repent daily, ask for forgiveness, and ask to be forgiven for anyone I may have offended. But what I am missing is that TRUST factor. I trust the Lord to fulfill my needs, but I don’t trust Him completely with my vulnerability. I’m sure your thinking it doesn’t make sense. How can I trust God to take care of me but not trust Him with my heart? But clearly I’m not the only one because I am writing this blog which I only feel compelled to do when I feel as if the Holy Spirit is urging me. How many of us trust God with a financial breakthrough, a healing miracle, n new home or car, but we go looking for our spouse, or try fixing our relationships on our own? How many of us say, “Lord I trust you” and decide we are going to pray out of obligation. But once we feel like we are becoming overwhelmed in the spirit say “amen”. We all can work on our intimacy with God but without trust there is NOTHING! The bible says:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. 6 in all your ways submit unto Him and He shall direct your paths.”
I thought I have been trusting God but it hasn’t been wholeheartedly. Why? Well if I can be honest I feel guilty. I turned my back on God several times, I have cursed Him, and I have neglected His teaching. I have gone into the world and did things that I knew weren’t honoring Him. He says turn from the world and He will love me, all is forgiven. But I struggle with forgiving myself. So I give what I think is worthy to Him. Worshiping God because He is worthy to be praised. Praying to Him and giving thanks because He not only desires it but because He DESERVES it. Yet I struggle with God overtaking me because I am not worthy. I am barely saved and I don’t want to cheat God if I fall again. Can anyone who reads this relate? Maybe it’s not because you feel guilty but for some other reason. You are wounded because you didn’t get the promotion you want, the person you wanted hurt you, or because everyone is getting blessed but you? So we lose confidence in Him and ourselves. I want to tell you that is a LIE! Satan has been lying to you. God knew I was going to make the mistakes I made. He knew the reason He didn’t give you that promotion is because He’s moving you in a different direction where it won’t be about the money but so you can have peace and enjoy what you are doing. He knew that man or woman you wanted isn’t worthy of the air you breathe. He also knew that the blessing He has for you is FOR YOU and it’s going to be better than you can imagine so He waits until it’s the perfect timing. (He likes gifting His children!)
I have been seeing Jeremiah 29:11 a lot and Proverbs 3:5-6. I feel like I am being told to tell you all He is the Perfect One. He is Good and He is HOLY! He is TRUST WORTHY and even if we don’t see Him moving or feel Him the way we think we should believe in Him. He did die on the cross after all for US so we can be with Him because He loves us. I don’t know about you all but I am not going to let my fears, disappointments, or lack of confidence from a lying devil keep me from trusting my Father with my whole heart. He’s not a man that He should lie and He is not going to let me down.