This is going to be a vulnerable moment for me. Today I had a rough conversation with someone I still struggle to forgive. We all have those people. But then I went and prayed to God asking for His forgiveness because I semi got out of character. I didn’t curse but I didn’t act in love either. As I was asking for the Lord Jesus to be with me and the Father to forgive me I was allowed to see a vision of myself. Some may believe others may think I am crazy but I know what I saw. I saw Jesus holding me as I cried in His bosom and He assured me He forgave me and He loved me. I then asked Him why did I still allow this man to have so much power over me? Why did I still allow him to hurt me? Then I was shown a broken woman, crying, and what seemed to be as if she was clinging on to life. She was a mere shadow of a woman. No life, nor color. It was rather depressing and my heart hurt deeply at this sight. As I walked over to check on her because she seemed to need more comfort than I did. To my surprise the woman was ME! I was speechless, I turned and looked at the Lord with tear flooded eyes and asked Him what was this. (I thought He was saying I was going to die!) He told me that this was my spirit, and that what I was seeing was what unforgiveness does. She looked so tormented, fragile, and alone. I wanted to look away but I couldn’t. I asked Him how could this be? I forgave the man, I forgave everyone who ever hurt me. He said this is true but you haven’t forgiven yourself. All of this time you spent repairing broken relationships but you haven’t forgiven yourself for the things you could control and those you had no control of. It’s not others killing your spirit it’s you. My Father has forgiven you and so have I. But it is you who needs to forgive yourself. As I sat there and watched this person I didn’t understand how I was supposed to bring her back to life. I felt as if I had nothing left to give her. All I have is a baby and dreams. What could I possibly say to her to bring her back to life? Then I was taken back to this battle of writing an apology letter to myself. So I hope if you’re still with me. I hope you too will be freed by some of the things I am about to say.
I find it crazy that I am writing to myself. But then you and I as the Trinity are three but one. He is the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. We are but flesh, soul, and spirit. This letter is to you. So here it goes.
I am sorry for the lies I’ve told and the pain I put you through. I’m sorry for the intruders who left you with soul ties that were hard to break. For the spirit of addiction and fornication to take place. I am sorry for the times I tried to take your life. I am sorry for the men who hurt you and others I have allowed to seduce you. I’m sorry for the abuse I caused you, and I am sorry for the tears I wouldn’t let you cry. For that child you never got to meet and all of the goodbyes. For neglecting you in times where you pleaded to be set free from this major tragedy I call my life. I am sorry that I allowed that man to break you and made you deny the ones who loved you most. For the years I remained silent as you were slowly dying and were tormented by the past. For not feeling good enough for anyone even the man you call dad. I’m sorry I almost took the life of your beautiful baby girl before she made it into this world because of selfish desires. I’m sorry for the self hate and mutilation when you have always been there. For calling you names other than what God called you. I am sorry for the unlikely places you ended up that cost you your innocence. For the constant disappointments and disappointing those around you. For denying your mother the one who has always had your back. To leaving your twin sister alone because you allowed your soul to turn black. To prohibit you from feeling and refusing to seek the Lord. But most of all I am sorry for the unforgiveness. You did not deserve all that I put you through. But as I saw you dying I said I can’t give up on you. You beautiful woman of God are all I have. If God can forgive all of the things we’ve been through and the sad decisions I made at the attempt to live what I thought was life. Then I can forgive me too. So beautiful, intelligent, wonderfully made Ashley. You are forgiven and the past is made new. If nothing else remember God loves you. In the name of Jesus I command you to live and I set you free from the shackles of unfrogiveness that has bound me.
The gate keeper.
Thank you for reading those who have. Even if you don’t struggle with the same things I have maybe there is something you need to forgive yourself or someone else for. If only I could show you all what unforgiveness to the soul looks like you would understand the damage it causes your spirit. May you ask God for guidance and peace with your discovery. It’s ok to ask for help. I did. May you all be blessed to live a complete life.