Hey guys welcome back or if you’re new welcome to 4mommyvibez.com. A blog based on lifestyle, family, wellness, DIY’s, and so much more. If you like the content please be sure to follow and like the post. Today’s post however is going to be different than the norm as I would like to help encourage awareness for a cause close to home. I encourage individuals to get help if they are in a similar or worse situation than I had been in.
On to Today’s topic: Domestic Abuse Awareness-My Story.
Disclaimer: If you are a victim or survivor of domestic abuse this may be a trigger. So please feel free to click out at any moment. You are wonderful and I appreciate your support. If you or someone you know is in an abusive domestic situation please call the 24 hour domestic hotline for help and resources 1-800-799-7233, you can also visit their website thehotline.org. Hugsssss
As some of you may know October is domestic abuse awareness month. Currently there is someone who suffers some form of physical violence every 20 minutes, that equates to 10 million victims (men and women a year).(Check out the stats on NCADV.org for more information). So I have decided to share my story in hopes of helping someone who is a victim or has a loved one who may be a victim and bring awareness.
To my victims or as I like to call them survivors my heart and prayers go out to you. If you are still in a situation and feel like you have no one who will understand or that you can talk to and afraid to get help you can e-mail me personally @firstname.lastname@example.org.
When I was 17 going on 18 I came in contact with an individual through a major social network called Tagged at the moment. There was no way I intended on really being with the individual, however with being sheltered to the point of not being able to do anything but school I was limited to interaction of the outside world and the internet was truly my only option to escape my dysfunctional home life that wasn’t controlled by my mother and grandparents. To this day I feel like if I had an ounce of freedom to experience things like hanging with friends and being i activities I would have NEVER decided to do anything so reckless.
The guy was charming to a fault. He was a student at the Naval Academy (Military Prepatory school) in Annapolis, MD. So he was successful (or so I thought). He seemed easy to talk to and I stupidly told him all about my past. He would later use all my faults to his advantage. The crazy thing is prior to me getting seriously involved with this guy a woman called my phone trying to declare her status of being this guy’s girlfriend. I should have taken head to her warnings about him. He of course played victim and claimed she was some crazy ex trying to ruin his life and chances of being happy with someone else because he left her. However, I honestly just enjoyed our conversations and didn’t see anything coming of them. My desire to make my own decisions and immature mind thought I had things under control. We decided to meet up after I moved back from GA when I stupidly decided to move there on a whim after graduation with my long lost father who I hadn’t seen for 14 years. (Do you see how lost and desperate I was to get away from the chaos that was my life.)
After several months of talking daily we decided to have an interaction in person. One of my best friends, and twin sister came with me to meet him and we all went to the mall. A shopping spree, dinner, and Cheesecake Factory later I felt like maybe we could continue to interact. (Don’t judge because I’m sure today we have friends who use dating websites, Facebook, IG, and snap to meet individuals. Use my story as a cautionary tale.)
Here is where things start to get super messy and crazy. I would later find out that this guy gets in contact with friends and associates trying to manipulate them and break relationships I had with these people if they weren’t willing to do what he requested in regards to interaction with me. With those relationships deteriorating I started to feel more alone and more consumed with this fake Romeo/hero. He started to become possessive and claimed he was in love blah blah blah. If I wasn’t in contact he would snap. There was verbal abuse, threats of exposure (he had intimate photos of me), and then apologies came rolling in. He was messed up, didn’t want to lose me, the typical abusive partner script. Did I really see us as being in a relationship, NO! Was I captivated by the attention and gifts I received yes.
Sidebar: my mother was spoken to recklessly, and in an abusive relationship with a charming individual that to this day the world seems to believe is a gift from God. If only they knew the true story. But because of her interaction I somehow internalized that irrational behavior was normal. A lot of victims of domestic abuse come from abusive environments. Thus, we believe that it’s normal and that abuse is love when it’s NOT!
Our second interaction would take the verbal abuse to physical. We decided to meet up a second time, my thoughts were we were going to spend time in the city. My sister was coming with us to hangout. but he became disrespectful commenting on her status of being unwed and pregnant as well as using stories she felt comfortable to disclose to taunt her that she left. He claimed he was just joking and I stupidly believed my sister was being irrational because she didn’t want to go anyways. Clearly I was a mess and a brainwashed zombie because I felt he was all I had outside of college and work. My family relationship was strained, friends weren’t speaking to me. I was utterly alone.
I became annoyed at this moment but I desired freedom. I planned on cutting him off that night after our outing. However he had other plans. He had a free weekend from school so he rented a room at this fancy hotel in the heart of the city. I thought he was going to change as he was in uniform and because of his rank/year wasn’t allowed to be in civilian clothing. He had other plans in mind.
I was definitely not ready to be intimate though we discussed it and I admit I teased about it. But I did say no. I was afraid and just wanted to go. (I am also a rape survivor prior to this incident something he knew and used to his advantage. But that’s another story.) I felt stupid and wanted to leave because he got me there under false pretenses. He backhanded me and forced me to have sex with him, proceeding to hit and strangle me during because I wasn’t performing to his expectations. He then tried to coerce me into spending the night with him. Knowing my mother would not go for this I thought this was my chance. He grabbed the phone from me and tried to assert himself saying I was an adult I could do as I pleased and hung up. Thankfully I told her where I was, so she, my aunt, my best friend, and sister came to get me.
By then I was embarrassed, scared, in shock. I shut down emotionally to prevent myself from breaking down because I didn’t want to be hit anymore. I was so relieved to see my mom pull up, he attempted to keep me from getting into the car and I didn’t want to make a scene outside of the hotel. I managed to get in and my aunt sped off nearly rolling over his foot. As I was getting ready to tell them what happened they all started yelling at me. Here I was already feeling like hell, in pain, and wanting to ask for help and tell them what happened. But I felt I couldn’t because I was ashamed.
I tried to ignore him, he apologized and showed up at my job, sent gifts, the whole 9. Months passed and he wouldn’t give in and I really wanted him to leave me alone but somehow my sick mind believed he loved me. He claimed he was getting therapy etc. so I decided to work it out. Months of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse would ensue soon after. Friends tried to talk to me about it. But I couldn’t tell them why I couldn’t leave this relationship. By now I was too afraid to leave. He had threatened to kill me and himself if I left, harm my family. Etc. After everything I had been through I believed him I was going to leave but I had to do it smart because I didn’t want anyone to get hurt because of the choices I made.
I finally got fed up of the abuse, came clean to my mom about everything with my grandmothers help after he physically attacked me outside of church one day. I decided to move away after all this sick individual put me through, and I moved to GA to get away from him because he would just pop up at my job, and school back in MD. In GA, I was doing well in school, had a good job, had my own place to live. Then he contacted me saying he was sorry. He had agreed to give me my car, and cards that I acquired while we were together and we didn’t have to be in a relationship. I believed him like an idiot, the catch of course was I had to go to Chicago to pick the car up and he would sign it over to me.
I agreed because where I lived you really needed a car because there really wasn’t public transportation. In the midst of my trip to Chicago my moms dad passed. I had a layover in MD so I went home and saw her. I tried to explain to her my situation but she didn’t want to hear it. I spent a few days in Chicago, where he tried to woo me back into being with him. It was a set up to meet his family, have his niece and Abuela try to tell me he was a good man blah blah. To give us a chance. ( His father was the only one who knew the extent of the chaos of our relationship and thought I was the problem that I was destroying his sick bastards chance at being an officer in the military etc.)
Anyways, back and forth over the signing of this car title for months, him transferring all my money into accounts he had cards into, and another hotel attack later I had finally had enough. I was completely fed up, traumatized, and knew that if I didn’t take control of my life he would possibly take it. He was kicked out of the Naval Academy meaning if I didn’t act now that he would force himself into becoming a permanent fixture of hell in my life.
I gave him everything back. And thought I’d never have to deal with him again: I no longer cared about the money, I closed everything I had open with him, gave him the car, and changed my number. It was a done deal. Or so I thought. The last hotel attack left me pregnant. I was mortified. My grandmother urged me to come home and we would figure everything out. At this point in my life I considered suicide as that to me was the only way out. I almost attempted it but didn’t want to put my family through anymore pain than I already had. After I moved home my grandmother had gotten really sick, anyone who knew me knew my grandmother was my everything. She convinced me that I could have this baby and raise it to be strong. So I kept the baby and my grandmother named her Faith. The day she gave me the name Faith and the reason behind it she had a stroke, a week later she passed. And I have been fighting for Faith because of my grandmother ever since. Faith truly was all the strength I needed to never go back.
I would never fall trap to abuse or allow that individual to break me again because of Faith. I took my life back and refused to allow anyone ever again to have control over me. I since have gotten my degree, have gotten married to the most AMAZING man. Have had two more beautiful babies, have a successful business and working on another.My daughter has a phenomenal relationship with my husband and anyone will tell you is a daddy’s girl. The abusive individual is at bay and thanks to my husband I no longer deal with him, and if I choose to deal with him I’m no longer afraid of what could happen. (Though I do struggle from PTSD, and have been prone to panic attacks when it comes to him.) I have healed from the trauma thanks to therapy, support from my family and close friends, and Josh, and can say I am truly happy and free.
There’s so much more to the story but this post has been long enough.
From my story I pray that you or your loved one knows they can get out. There is HOPE! That there is a way to live a full life of possibility and blessings. It may seem like death is the only answer or that you have to continue to endure, but choose life because you deserve to be happy, you deserve REAL love, you deserve to enjoy the life you live. Get help, talk to someone and free yourself from bondage because you deserve BETTER and you CAN live an amazing life without that person. You are strong enough to get through this.
With tons of hugs, and prayers your way,